Hello & Welcome, Codered38!

From what little you've posted (as you said, there's a lot more bouncing around inside your head), it seems you have

• relationship issues, and, more importantly
• depression issues.

Many of the threads here in the depression forum involve how the illness messes with our self-perception. That, of course, gets in the way of building various types of relationships.

Initially, it may be more valuable for you to address depression directly, dealing with relationship issues as they intersect with depression.

(The preceding advice is hesitantly offered by someone who is uncomfortable dealing with relationship issues. PsychCentral has an active Relationships & Communication Forum.)