((((blue))))

I 'get by' in social situations like that by splitting off, and part of me can truly feel lovable and social. The other part deeper feels like crap, and like I'm such a faker.

I do a lot of self-talk, corny stuff, like "I *do* have friends. They like me enough to go have dinner. They may not see all of me, but what they do see, they like." And really, I do the wine thing, too. It does make it easier, doesn't it?

I think everyone, mentally ill or not, has self-hate going on in their head. Not to the extent that you do, perhaps, but it's still there. Enjoy going out, feeling pretty, and having fun. Try to ignore those little voices that tell you you don't deserve it, or you're not good enough, because you DO deserve to have friends and to go out. You DO deserve to be happy.

As for how long, I've found that the voices of self-hate have lessened over the years, especially as I 'achieve' things that I've wanted in life - degree, job, family, friends, even just making enough money to go out to eat when I wanted to was a huge deal for me, and helped me talk back to those horrid voices.