Quote:
Originally Posted by skeksi
With T I have come to see that self-hate as a deep sense of shame which is a reaction to the abuse. That has helped me to be less attached to the feeling. I am working on saying, "I feel ashamed right now, and that's because the abuse taught me to see myself that way. But it's not true."
It's not a simple thing to do, and I do it imperfectly, but I'm working on it. I definitely hate myself less when I am able to think that way.
The hard part, for me, is that the idea of me being an awful person feels so true. It's really hard to trust that maybe that's not real.
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T and I just talked about this today. He said that's what he hates about neglect and abuse...the resulting shame which is the worst feeling imaginable. I don't know if he's ever even used the word "hate" before...but he said it a few times: "I HATE it"
I like what you said about not being attached to the feeling of self-hate, and recognizing it as shame GIVEN TO ME BY SOMEONE ELSE, skeski. I'm going to try to remember that.
In my message to T today, I said something about being afraid he won't like me, and about feeling like the least likable person in the world. And I realized, there aren't very many people I don't like. What would make ME so special that *I* am the least likable person on earth?! It's so egotistical in such a weird, backwards way.
We're all just human, you know?
Blue - I think that it's so hard for us to accept ourselves...but from the outside, I can tell you that it sounds REALLY normal to have a glass of wine to loosen up with friends. Sometimes I think I analyze and judge myself WAY too much. I bet we all tend to do that.
Lots and lots of
to you, my extremely lovable friend
