Wow. When I came home tonight, I wanted to go read the responses I got. I thought Id get bashed for having the wine and not being a good mother and going out with my friends! That is TRULY what I thought I would read when I came here! H put the little ones to bed and here I am, its after 11, and I had a good time. I really do not feel entitled to be happy and enjoy myself. I did have a good time, too.

Zoo- That is exactly what it is for me, too. Chosing life over self-destruction. That I have to live for ME. As much as I adore my children and for whatever reason that I cannot understand, they are not enough to make me want to live. I have to have a life that includes them. And, like you, I am so aware of the hateful feelings I have run and I numb out from. I will tell ftt by just starting the story, going out, feelings about being social. How I feel in conversation is a good place to begin. How I feel talking to her, too.

Skeksi- What is it about a glass of wine that silences those voices? It silences the shut-up, no one cares voices. I like this: "I feel ashamed right now, and that's because the abuse taught me to see myself that way. But it's not true."

I think I would feel less shame, too, if I saw it in that way. It would help me to take a step back, this is something I have been taught, but there is nothing shameful and *I* am not someone to be ashamed to be. That is how I feel. I am ashamed to be me. But There is nothing shameful about me. I have to tall myself that over and over. It doesnt stick well, but youre rithg, it FEELS so true. I AM actually telling myself "I love you" in the mirror (I think Rainbow's suggestion) and it almost feels like the love I give to my children I am giving to myself. It just doesnt sink it the way (I hope) it does for my kids.

Jexa- I know you have written here about your social anxiety before, but you would not know that to read the thoughtful, caring and VERY insightful things you have to say. Of course, its on the computer and easy, but to me, you are popular here (!) and well spoken, articulate, friendly, very intelligent, and relaxed with well thought-out posts. What is inside, behind the anxiety, feezing and chattering teeth, is a very likable, fun and comfortable person., Id be your RL friend in a heartbeat.

Even if you'd say, well, I dont know you in person, I think after reading a couple of hundred posts from someone, you get a good idea! You, Jexa would be a great friend and a really amazing, fun and interesting person to have dinner with. I wish I could invite you out with my friends! Im not sure how you would get over feeling anxiety when with people, is it self-hate? Or something else? What do YOU think it is?

BeautifullyMistaken- That IS exactly how I feel. No matter what I do it isnt good enough. Im not enough being me. I have to say or do the perfect right thing and I am NOT allowed to make mistakes.

Moon- Yup. I split, too. I can be social and chatty, and feel disgusting and unworthy, at the same time. And it depends on which "mood" is out at any given moment. I like the self-talk that you do, about correcting the beliefs you have. Thatg you ARE lovable and you DO have friends. And you are SO right. As I was posting the original post here, I was thinking, well, everyone has these voices and issues with self-esteem from time to time, and even more often. Maybe its a matter of degree? Or how much it affects the rest of your life. Or maybe, I am becoming so aware, which I would never call a bad thing, that I am not tolerating from myself self-hate even in a minor form, like needing a glass of wine to relax, or witnessing being uncomfortable with myself even though I know I am with people who genuinely like me.

Ripley- It is interesting that you picked up on the ways I (we) perpetuate the self-hate with small, even minor, subtle things I do. It perpetuates self-hate instead of growth toward self-acceptance and self-love. I think you are right, the only way is bit by little bit, in therapy with T and being accepted as we are, I never felt accepted as I was with dt, but I do with ftt. I am STILL trying to work through her reactions to me with ftt. That is what ftt does, she has me stop in certain situations and to notice that nothing bad has happened. I am still me.

Tree- I think that is the bottom line for me. There is nothing worse than the shame that I have somehow absorbed into my being. It permeates everything and feels like a wall. A wall that I am scratching at. It is the block in the way of every kind of with with ftt. But it is coming down. I am trying to recognize it for what is it, shame from abuse and that I did nothing wrong, that I was neglected and treated abusively, and I feel shame from that treatment. Then I can look hard to see that there is nothing to feel shamful about today. It is so hard to accept ourselves, without fear or shame.. I am who I am.

I did enjoy my glass of wine this evening with my friends, I am aware of uncomfortable moments I have, though I dont know why and Id like to talk about it with ftt. Why one conversation or topic make me feel less worthy than another. Or different interactiions with my friends cause different reactions in me, how I feel toward myself. These are really subtle and not obvious things, but I think they are iimportant and point to larger, deeper issues. I am not even sure which things to bring up on monday. Id have to think about which topic of conversation made me feel better or worse than another.

Well, anyway....I did have some fun