Dear DPS, I think it is a good thing that you are reaching out. While I reading your post I kept thinking of something my sister said to me durring one of my first depressive episodes. She said "everything you are saying sounds like it is being filtered through a black cloud". It sounds like you are going through something similiar. As you said, no one knows how you feel except you. But I Wanted to let you know that although you may feel alone, you are not. I remember your post concerning no longer being a moderator and it sounds like you are carrying a pretty heavy emotional load right now. That can eat all your energy up. But sometimes we can't work through something until we are ready to face it. You may feel like you are alone but somewhere in the world someone read your post, could relate and felt the need to respond. So here I am typing this on my phone hoping that I understood what you wrote correctly and that this response helps you in some way.