(((((DPS))))) Sadly, pain can't be seen on the surface. I found this at work. The only way we sense it is through a grimace, alimp, a cry. when you wrote your pain, you opened yourself and the pain to us, you freed it and alerted us to how you felt, that you were suffering. This s a move that takes courage, and it takes strength to break the silence. It's much easier to let the voice die away and le the silnece settle over the pain.
I'm glad that you spoke. I'm glad you cried out. You have to acknowledge even to yourself that this is not OK.
My guess is that you are a survivor. Survivors are often incredibly strong and incredibly vulnerable people. It's a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that both qualities are gifts to be owned, not discarded. Obviously, you have depths and gifts beyond the average, DPS. You sound like a joy to behold and a blessing to love. Huggs, I know this is so hard to believe. Still, even through the black cloud, I hope you hear me, too.