Hello again!

It indeed seems we were put on the same ship (albeit a sinking one). Anyways, I too have developed quite the facade of being happy on the outside, and I have the feeling that if I were committed, I would circumvent actually allowing myself to be treated by pretending that I was actually getting better just in order to get out. When my therapist called my mother, she apparently was quite shocked, and thought that everything was peachy since they shipped me off to the professionals for treatment (on top of the fact that they only see my at the most once a week, which makes it easy to grin and bear it). Honestly, I probably fear that my therapist will insist that I be committed if I truly unleash everything I have inside, and the prospect of being forcefully held there against my will is quite terrifying (even if it is ultimately for my own good). I had no idea the court ever got involved! eek!
I just got sent to a new pdoc, and have only seen him twice. I feel that he has absolutely no idea what to do with me. From what I sense he thinks I am bipolar ( seeing as he has recently put me on Trileptal to stabalize my moods, in addition to the Lexapro that I have been taking since January). I personally do not think I am bipolar, but feel awkward telling him such as he has never mentioned the word bipolar or manic depressive. The trileptal, if anything, has dont nothing but make me even more apathetic towards my own well-being, and therefore more prone to SI. The thing that has really scared me about my SI is the enthuasism I have developed towards it. I began cutting at the tender age of 13 (but only for a few months) and have only recently picked it back up. I remember the feeling of excitement I had when I was in Home Depot looking for some straight edge razors, which scares me in retrospect. I even find myself, in certain situations, thinking to myself " I just need to cut' I'm fearing that I am becoming dependent on it. But I digress, honestly, I probably should be in a hospital. I remember the look on my therapists face when I told her I had a full bottle of seconol and klonopin at home just in case the pain ever got too bad (and that many times recently I have been tempted to put myself out of my misery). Has the Effexor seemed to help you at all? I feel that a change in meds is my last resort, but it seems as if when I go in to visit my pdoc, since I barely know him I feel that I am in no position to tell him what I want to take and that I feel he is taking the wrong approach at adressing my issues via meds. Sorry this has been so horribly long, but it's just such a release to talk to someone who has been there! Thank you!

----Kelly