SO low today. I woke up already feeling semi-gross ... I stayed up most of last night watching tv because I didn't want to lie in bed with my thoughts while I fell asleep. I'm too afraid to confront myself right now; I hate the person I see in the mirror. This morning in French class I think I accidentally offended my tutor by giving him the idea I thought France wasn't important when I just meant that we don't pay as much attention to it in Canada as they do here so sometimes I feel a little out of the loop. I tried to explain that wasn't what I meant, but I'm not sure I explained myself very well. I wanted to get out of that classroom so badly. The people in my class are all really nice and I try to be friendly, but I'm always so uncomfortable, like no matter what I do they can see what a loser I am, how ignorant and self-important I must be for not paying closer attention to the news in France. At the same time I'm burying a lot of annoyance with this course because it's SO focused on France -- no offence to France or the French, I think it's all really interesting, but I pay less attention to the two countries I actually LIVE in than the stuff they expect us to understand for a country I've never even seen. But I know that's just me ... because I have no intentions of living or working in France (unlike 90% of the people here), because I feel no attachment to the UK, to France or to Europe in general, because my intentions with this degree are so radically different from what most people do.

I feel so lost sometimes. I'm so lonely all the time. I feel like a total outsider, like I can't relate to anyone else no matter how hard I try. In two and a half years I haven't made a real connection with a single person here. I just feel too DIFFERENT all the time. I think that I'm a little bit odd sometimes but it's one of the things I've always loved about myself and it's something all my friends at home love about me too. I say things or do things rather unexpectedly; I tend to take approaches to things a little differently than others. All through high school, I loved being different, unique, and I loved being around people who were different from me. But university has been the complete opposite. My friends are merely good acquaintances, people I hang around with sometimes for company and that's it. I know we won't be keeping in touch after graduation and it doesn't make me sad or bother me in any way except for how lonely it makes me. I don't care about my degree -- it was graduation on Monday and as I watched the grads walking around in their graduation robes I realized that if it weren't for my family wanting to see me graduate, I probably wouldn't even attend the ceremony. It won't have a whole lot of meaning for me because I just don't feel attached to my school or the people here.

I feel so, so awful. I can't stop crying.