Dream- I am so in awe of your exchanges with T about the word fat and her remarks, especially that they were flippant. I am so in awe of how well you and T went back and forth about it that I am going to bring it up with ftt. There is so much power in that word for me, too, and there are other trigger words for me that bring up powerful feelings of self-hatred, unworthiness and deep, deep shame. More powerful that I can express in words.

I think there are attitudes about the word and fatness that scare me to the point where I wouldnt want to get out of bed. What struck me, too, was that after journaling and feeling these things, you went to work! Put something on your eyes to make them less puffy and went on with your day! I admire that, those kinds of feelings knock me out. I cant move and I cant go on. You have strength and fortitude (corney, but true!).

It may not seem to be related to the alcohol thing, but it is. One the one hand, there is nothing wrong with going out for a drink with friends, having dinner and a glass of wine to relax. Its nice, its fun, it helps me get out of mommy-mode for an evening and into a more fun mode. BUT, I know there is something more behind it, I know that there are deeper issues all related to what I just wrote above that makes the wine "helpful" to me, helps me forget the way I "really" feel about myself, my social self and my alone self.

I think recognizing these things is a big part of the battle. I had not realized how self-hate driven I have been.