Aww, I must say that I heart you!
I know that I have got to do something. If something doesn't change, I will end up killing myself, and I have accepted that fact. I do believe I've hit rock bottom, and now have been thrown a shovel only to dig a little deeper (which I certainly am). All I think about it how much I want to die, and even find my self repeating 'please let me die' over and over again in my head (which i suppose is a remnant of my previous OCD). I've never been this consumed with the motivation to die, and this desperation has led me to SI more and more. I assume that my parent's reaction to a hospitalization would be eerily similar to your parent's reaction. They would definately get all defensive and terrified, denying that there is a real problem at hand. Ive been on the trileptal almost 3 months, so I'm pretty far past the initial stages. I'm also taking klonopin, which I believed has bad so many bad side effects on my psyche to mention. I am beginning to become more and more disassociative, and often have semi hallucinations and problems differentating between reality and dreams. I do fear that I am at the ledge of sanity, and am ready to jump off with bells on.
I have definately done my homework as far as the meds go, but its just so hard to decide what would help me since all meds effect everyone in different ways. I've heard good things about prozac, yet at the same time your experience with it sounds horrid! I too think the cutting has stopped me from ODing, for at those moments I just have a NEED for violence in SOME form,and SI seems to do the trick to some extent. I however, am terribly ashamed of it (and wear longsleeves, even at home to hide the cuts from my roomates) yet at the same time I cherish it because it seems like some dirty little secret which I indulge myself in.
Me T has also extended the desire for me to call her before I feel like harming myself, but I just nod in order to appease her. I would never actually call her because I suppose I don't feel that my desperation constitutes disrupting her life outside of ouy 50 min sessions.
I really have been quite impressed with what ive heard about effexor, and will try and bring it up at my next pdoc appt. I also feel I am in desperate need of something to control my anxiety, which I feel is a major contributor to my depression (my mother also has had panic attacks and takes ativan and paxil). If you have any links which have been of any help to you I'd love to have them, for I guess I'm desperate : ). Again, thankyou for talking to me, for we definately are rowing the same oars as you put it : ). If you ever wanna talk, my AIM sn is the same as my user name here (poptardqueen). Take care and hope to hear from you soon!

------Kelly------