Hi, me again.

This past week, I've felt like total crap. I've lost my appetite and have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Not even sleeping seems to reset my mood anymore. I took a nap four hours ago, woke up two hours later, felt really apathetic as if there was nothing worth getting up for, then slept for another two hours. I've even lost my sex drive, it's like a part of me is telling me I don't deserve an orgasm. I didn't masturbate all week (that's a long time for a hormone-pumped teen) and when I finally did it today, I didn't feel any better. Don't orgasms release endorphins, which are supposed to make me feel better? Instead, I felt even more crap after realizing that I would be a virgin for the rest of my life and that masturbation would be the farthest I'll ever get. I feel as though I'm masturbating just to satisfy my primal urge to reproduce, and my low self-esteem is preventing me from drawing any pleasure from it.

Is this real depression? Whenever I used the word "depression" in this thread, I put it in quotes because I didn't think it was real depression. (I didn't have any of the symptoms, just a general feeling of sadness that would usually pass in a few days) But is what I'm feeling right now real depression?

There are, what I've concluded, two things that seem to trigger my "depression." (Am I using the term trigger correctly? I've seen it used in other parts of the forum, but I'm not sure.)
1. Making mistakes. I beat myself up over every single mistake, no matter how small.
2. Seeing how happy my peers are. This, I guess, is kind of selfish but when I see other people live happy lives, I just look back at my life and I start just crashing and burning emotionally.

What set me off this week was probably a combination of the two. I ALWAYS make stupid stupid mistakes on my tests in school, and it drives me absolutely insane. I understand the material and do fine on my homeworks, but on tests it's always the stupid little things that bring my grade down. I feel as if the teacher thinks I'm stupid and I don't understand the material when I really do. I hate misunderstandings like this. When I was in kindergarten, my parents beat me after they were forced to pay for my friend's hospital bill because the friend said I stuck an eraser in his ear and his parents had to take him to the doctors to get it out. It wasn't even me, the friend even said so when we were both graduating middle school 8 years later. Ever since that little misunderstanding back in kindergarten, I go out of my way to correct people and make sure they know the truth. For example, if someone asks me for help on something that I know I'm really good at, and I end up not being able to help them because I made a mistake, I think to myself "Oh no, they probably think I don't know this, but I really do!" and I start obsessing over trying to show them that I do in fact know how to do what they asked me to do. Does this sound confusing? I don't know how else to explain it. That's why making those stupid mistakes on the tests drive me insane. The teacher probably thinks I don't understand the material, and there's no way I can prove him/her wrong because I can't retake the test. My mood literally went from "Well, this day isn't so bad" to "WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT, YOU (refering to myself) ARE A USELESS STUPID PIECE OF ****" in a split second after I got my tests back.

Today, I was looking through someone's profile on Facebook and I took a look at their photos. Why? I don't know. It was no one in particular, I was going through the tabs I had open on my browser and I happened to click on this person's profile.
I looked at the photos they had up, and saw how happy that person looked. He was hanging out with friends, sitting at a park smiling with a group of people. Most of the photos in his album were like that; just a group of friends having fun and taking pictures of themselves.
It's when I'm looking at how happy these people are is when I realize just how pathetic I am. I never go out. I don't "hang out." I spend my weekends at home, in my room. No calls or IMs me. After school, I go straight home. My only friend is my puppy. Then I start thinking to myself "Why am I like this?" "Why was I born like this?" "Why was I an outcast growing up, and why am I an outcast now?"

All these thoughts start racing across my head, and I begin feeling more and more depressed. Some questions I have the answer to, and some questions I do not.

Why didn't I fit in as a kid?
Other people were bullied as a kid too, why did they turn out normal? Why don't they hide at home like me? Why am I the only one that seems to be unhappy?

I've always felt like I got the short end of the stick in life, and it makes me angry. Angry and sad. Angry at the world, angry at everyone. Sad that I'll always been an outcast, sad that I'll probably off myself before I hit the age of 20.

I'm so confused right now. My emotions are a mess. I'm frustrated, angry, and sad all at the same time.

Edit- Ugh, just realized how long this was. Sorry for writing all these "essays." There's no one else to talk to, and the internet is the only way for me to get these feelings and thoughts off my chest.