Maybe it's stress. All of my classes had something due today, including a test in Personality Theory. I got it all done and handed in, and only missed 4 points out of 65 on the test (it will work out to be an A- depending on how the essay questions go - they weren't graded yet, but I felt good about them). I guess I'm okay with not having a perfect score on the test as long as I get an A in the class, and since I get A's on all the homework I still expect to be able to do that. I really want straight A's this semester.

This morning I just couldn't wake up all the way. I took Tylenol PM last night since there have been a couple of nights in the last week that I couldn't sleep, and my T told me to take something when I have a test the next day, since sometimes I sabotage myself by not sleeping. That stuff takes 2 hours to start working (I took it at 9), and then knocks me out for a good 10 hours after it kicks in. That's only taking one pill. And I couldn't get people to leave me alone and let me wake up gradually (let the drug wear off), so I was irritable all day because of that.

I tried to brush my hair sometime this morning and didn't have the energy for it. Went and laid down, and I remember hearing the clock and thinking it must be 10 or 11, then looked at a clock after a little while and it was 1:30! And I still had studying to do and homework.

Interviewing and counseling class was about confronting incongruities. I've got plenty of experience with that from the client side, and almost wanted to talk about some of those experiences, but not sure I wanted to admit my problems to the class. Most of the time when my incongruities have been confronted it was memorable, but not particularly positive or helpful. One example was one of my earlier therapists. The last time I saw him one of the things he threw at me was how I had talked about a suicide attempt but smiled while talking about it. He didn't point it out in a nice way or offer any help understanding it - more like threw it at me, making a point about how something didn't add up. I never understood that smile. I did bring that up in class, but didn't say it was me, and asked why someone would smile in a situation like that (most likely they are nervous). Another incongruity my current T couldn't resist: he had asked me how old my sisters are. I started figuring it out - "I'm 2 1/2 years older than one and she's 1 1/2 years older than the next, who must be 29. We're all 29 then!" He had to stop me and point out the logic error there. If he had been paying attention in the past he would have remembered that I choose not to use numbers beyond 29 when referring to my age.

Well, I guess I'm doing a little better now, but I'm worried that I might be slipping again. I was thinking on the way home from class and realized that I have a hard time admitting it if I need help or attention. Even here, I'm more likely to include a story of my own when responding to someone else, but I rarely start my own thread. I really wanted to call someone today, but couldn't think of anyone to call. Sometimes I call someone about whatever I can think of, but I can't say that I really just need to talk or I need a friend. I don't have any real life friends who are like that, so I'm always disappointed that they don't really talk to me and sound so busy and in a hurry to get back to what they were doing. But if anyone asks how I'm doing the only answers I can ever give are "fine" or "okay." Why is that?

Don't worry about me, okay? I'm doing better now. I think that telling someone that I had a bad day is a pretty big step for me, even if it's just here.

Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>