Before posting this, I debated on the subject. I wanted to say "Lost Emotional Virginity to T" .... but I was afraid some would ignore the trigger warning and read this when they did not need to do so. But what happened to me in therapy this week was one of the most intense events of my life.

I am a survivor of very early sexual child abuse. A part of the trauma was the fact that my mother constantly told me from as early as I can remember that I had to be a virgin when I got married. She said that girls who were not were not loved and would not find anyone who would ever want them. Because I was raped at 2 1/2 yrs of age, I never had physical virginity. It was stolen from me and I could not get it back. And to add insult to injury, I matured thinking I was worthless because I was "tainted" and "contaminated" because I was not a virgin.

The therapy I am working on at this point in my life comes as a second round of healing after having a wonderful college counselor helped me stabilize from chronic abuse. This time around, I am having to do the hard work - the trauma healing. And wow - I knew it would be tough, but never thought it would be THIS tough.

For me, a symptom of my past trauma is that I have never been able to actually expose myself emotionally to another human. I have had relationships and friendships, I have been married, and I have had good counseling, but at all times, I kept the door shut to my center being. For most of my life, I did not even realize who I was in the center. I knew in my mental house that there was a basement and at the end of the hallway was a cinder block red room I was terrified to enter. I knew someone was in that room - but I did not know who it was. The one thing I was certain of was that it was the most sensitive center of my entire being. And it was a place that no other human had ever seen.

So that brings us to the main event this week!

This year brought me into crisis mode - and my trauma work was started because my mind and soul decided it was time. T has been excellent at working to make sure I was in a safe place and had the structure I needed to work these trauma issues. He has gone beyond the call of duty many times when I needed someone to be there. And with his help, I have been able to enter that basement myself and discover that the inhabitant is a 15 yr old me who happens to be very upset with what life has brought our way. She did not even have a name for herself - that part of me was so low in ego awareness that we didn't even have a name. She ended up accepting being called Mick.

Mick has been a true alter for many years and expressed herself when I would loose my temper. I always was tossed into the background and just watched in horror as a different me ranted and such. Thankfully, the work I have done through the years with my other alters has allowed me to be able to push my host awareness forward enough to keep us from being fired - although we have been warned more than once. But she did not talk with anyone, and no one talked with her. Furthermore, even in the most intimate friendships, the emotional truth at the deepest level could not be accessed.

This week in session something happened though... for the first time in my life, Mick came forward in honesty - as herself - and allowed T to see her. We allowed T to see and witness the anger, humiliation, and pain that we carry at that deepest level. It was the first time in my life I have ever been naked or touched .... as a Human ....

It was the most frightening experience I have ever had with another person. But at the same time, it was the most wonderful. He had earned our trust. And we needed this to happen in order for true healing to happen.

Yesterday I spent the entire day thinking about what happened Thursday. I thought about the tender way T watched the expressions of pain come forward. I heard his words of support and kindness. I felt honored by him. And I felt a love so pure - love of a single human for another human who was in agony. It was my first time...

Guys, for this kiddo, this was big. Not just little time big, but big big. It is so big because this time it was about me giving the right person access to who I was. It was not taken from me. It was something that belonged to me and something I kept safe.

The reason I am sharing this is because I know many of you have this part of you deep inside. Some have an angry alter just like I do. And many have had to endure the same early childhood loss I describe above. But we have something inside us that belongs to us and is ours to give to the right person at exactly the right time. It is our truth.