For about five years now two of my alts have been talking to a guy online. He knows now that his ex-bf was really a girl but still doesn't know that the younger of the two "brothers" he's really close to is also me. And he still thinks that they're my cousins and we're all three separate individuals. I know it's stupid but I continue the charade and even when I'm not switched I'll let him believe I'm whoever he's talking to.

It bothers me that I don't tell him the truth. But he treats me so different when I'm Nakai or Max or me we're all separate individuals to him which is how it is inside. . so it makes it worth it in a way.

but when I'm just me, Fox. . . he teases me about being a girl or calls me a faghag or whatever. I josh back with him on it and put on a tough exterior. So he thinks he's special cause I let him tease and he thinks that I normally am one to smear their face into the pavement if you look at me wrong. (totally not me but apparently Nakai had built me up to be like that cause when I first talked to him he mentioned he had heard that I was a hardball case).

When he thinks I'm Max he argues everything I say. He doesn't give Max any credit for what he thinks. In a way actually I think it's good that I continue to let him believe what he does cause it gives me insight to what some of my alters that are more out there at least online are like. I feel so hurt but it's easy for me to pretend, it's better than being put down cause of how I was born. I know Max is upset and has lost his confidence because of our friend, but he keeps going back to him like a little puppy. I guess breaking up with him was really hard for Max. He has journals about it.

I never pretend to be Nakai. I've tried a few times but it's really really hard to pass off as him. Whenever I try our friend thinks our blood sugar must be outta wack. Nakai's like the essence of perfection. He's really smart and talented in everything he does. His only flaw is he's the daredevil inside and out. If I'm in a dangerous situation like up on the roof with a bike it's him. Only woke up once there. From what I read in our chat history with our online friend it seems like Nakai's word is gold. He's wise beyond his years, has some tragedy that hangs over him like a dark cloud he can't move beyond, and he's French/Australian. But the friend takes Nakai's word on everything that if he repeats exactly what Max said or I said all of a sudden it must be true in our friend's eyes.

Now with the background laid out (sorries if it's uninteresting rambling but it needs to be out there) Myself and Max both feel so worthless. We can't live up to the greatness that Nakai has. How can he even be a part of me? I'm not wise or smart. Funny maybe but I learned that from Max, he's the class clown of us. I know Nakai plays an important role but he can do it all by himself. What does he need me or Max for? Is there a way for him to be host and I just go into hiding? I thought that's the point of DID so I don't have to deal with life or anything. I know I'm probably way off base. I'm stuck in a hole of depression..it's just a phase it'll pass. I just needed to vent and release the guilt I'm feeling. Am I a horrible person for not telling all of my friends that I have DID and that I've been lying to them for this long?