This post contains some bad news--possibly triggering news--but it also contains good news.

I slipped up yesterday... I was up late last night facebooking, and this guy that I had met and never really talked to much just suddenly asks me if I want to do anything later on that day (it was 2 am). Well I agreed--it wasn't weird or sudden because we had met via dating application, so the question was expected eventually--but during that time I had felt pretty out of control of my emotions--have been for a while, so very soon after I regretted making such a stupid, impulsive decision, since I had never even met this guy, or even talk to him often. I was suddenly very anxious about the whole deal, and I had been feelin pretty anxious the rest of the week anyway--it had just been building up and I've been holding it in, so i was convinced if I didn't do something to stop this down-spiraling issue--and I was mentally punishing myself about it--I would have a sh***y, incredibly weird, anxious, awkward night and I might feel even more out of control and seem like a total spaz on the first date. so i knew it was probably bad for me, but I just needed it to level out before I met up with him, and to be perfectly honest, I don't regret it. At all. I mean, yes, there is a bit of guilt for it, but it didn't come til much later, and i would NEVER have done it differently. After I cut--and I've noticed that I'm able to cut a bit deeper, more easily recently, and I think I'm making more and more cuts each time--as I watched all the blood run down my leg, I felt SO much better, so much in control, I felt like I was a different person almost, like I was one who could control herself--almost powerful, to a degree. I was ready to tackle this date head-on, and I did. I definitely believe it helped me last night, it had a visibly practical, useful purpose, and i say it outweighs the guilt for this slip-up. I had a VERY exciting night.