Hi everyone, & condolences to all who have lost loved ones.
I lost my mom 5 weeks ago. Today is her birthday, so I'll be going to the cemetary. Personally, I don't believe that when somebody dies, that they are "watching over you"; I think when they die, it's over, & it really bothers me when people try to console me by saying that, b/c I know she isn't here for me & it's really upsetting. She suffered for a year from cancer, & I'm glad that she can rest in peace now & be out of her pain. But I can't stop remembering images of what she went thru, & my dad is having the same problem. I'm very angry that she suffered so much. I'm going to visit her grave b/c I know she would want me to do that. But I know I'm going to start talking to her & crying, & she won't be able to hear me, & it makes me not want to go. I'm also having a lot of anger issues. I'm angry at myself b/c, altho I was there for her/took care of her moreso than any of my siblings, I suffer from extreme depression & have a lot of problems in life, & I wasn't entertaining or emotionally there for her when she needed me. I can't forgive myself for that. I'm angry at her b/c, even tho everyone loved her & thought she was a wonderful person, as did I, she let me down in a lot of ways as a mother, & I'm dealing w/ that, too. Finally, I don't have any patience w/ my dad, who is all I have now, b/c he & I both suffer from the same mental illnesses (severe depression & BPD) & he is annoying me. I love him, & I want to be there for him, b/c this is the hardest thing he's ever been thru, losing his spouse of 47 years. My mom did everything for him, & I don't know how hes going to live w/out her- in fact, I'm scared that he's going to die. I keep telling myself that I won't talk to him as much & we need to have space, so that I don't yell at him. I want to be supportive. But then he says or does something so stupid, & I get so angry & yell at him again. Then I feel like the worst daughter ever. Obviously, I have a lot of anger issues w/ my father, too, & I resent that I have to take care of him emotionally when he has my siblings to lean on & I have no one but him. And I don't feel like he was ever really there to support me when I needed him, other than financially. Just very sad & pissy, so sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I felt the need to rant. This is going to be a really hard day. I can't wait until this year is over.