((((berries))))
You are way too hard on yourself and I dont know anyone here who would judge you, we are all in the same boat.
I hope you do take care with the sleeping pills because I, too, was addicted to them for 3-4 years and I went through hell with the withdrawal...The way you describe it, it also sounds like depression to me.
Take good care of yourself, we are always here for you, sweet berries