Sorry you're feeling so lousy. While I obviousy can't say 'I know how you feel' (and I wouldn't trivialize your experience by saying that), I have felt multiple times in the past when I was extremely depressed like I wanted to die, though I had a plan and the means and all that. I was hospitalized one time last year because I was totally distraught and miserable. I understand the feeling of being so down, and so in pain that it's unbearable. You almost feel like a deer in the headlights, almost panicked. All I can say to you at this point is to hang in there. You absolutely won't always feel like you feel today. It's hard to believe, and I get that, but it's true. You may always have ups and downs, but if you are able to stick with it and find a winning combo of meds the cycling will be much less frequent and much less severe. I truly mean it when I say I'm sorry you're going through this low. It's so hard and so discouraging, but please hang in there. You're worth it!! My motto.. "Give it one more day." Please keep us posted. Feel free to PM me if you need.