I have a lot to think about in the next couple of weeks.
I have been feeling slightly better for the past 2 or so days...but my definition of better and others definition could be different.
I feel good. I feel strong. I feel confident.
The problem is...none of that means I don't want to vanish into thin air. In fact, feeling better and clearer in my head only makes me more sure that there is only one way to total freedom.
Trying to listen to God, seeing if His still small voice can still be heard in side of me.
It isn't about the good in my life, it isn't about the people who could be left behind...I mean, I have a good job, I am in a loving long term relationship, I have $, I have good friends....
But I still cannot squelch the thought that makes me believe my time is coming to an end.
I saw my T last night. She is aware of my time table.
She wants me to believe...and a part of me does.
I mean, why would I go to her if I didn't think she could help pull me out of this mess and mire. So then, why still the power struggle in my mind, and being sold on a specific date???
I am safe. So don't misunderstand my post here. It isn't about being unsafe. It is about making a choice.
36 years of misery are coming to a head.
And, believe it or not I am at my sanist point in my life..
Perhaps that is the most frightening thing...I am not thinking irrationally or out or impulse or in haste.
Any way....a lot to think about...