So, I mentioned a few nights ago that I slipped up and cut for the first time in about a month. I was feeling pretty bad about it... so, I talked to my counselor and looked online. I made a list of things to do instead of cutting, so that the next time I felt that way, I would not do it. Last night, I felt like cutting again and I looked over the list... and nothing on it helped. :/ I know that cutting is bad... and a friend of mine was with me last night, so I did not actually SI. But the need to was so huge... I don't know if it's like this for everyone, or just me... but I SI when I'm pissed off at myself. Like... I know that I struggle from depression and that depression is often considered the cause of cutting... and I guess maybe the anger that I feel toward myself is an aspect of depression... but SI for me is not a gateway to suicidal thoughts. Like, I have been suicidal before, I struggle with that sometimes. But when I'm suicidal it's because I'm sad and I feel helpless to change anything in my life. When I feel the need to SI, it's a totally different feeling. It's anger. Anger at myself, anger at my family, whatever. And the anger is so intense that I feel a very real PHYSICAL need to do something. Though some of the suggestions on my list were physical (like running, taking a hot shower, etc.) none of them helped. After a run and a hot shower I was still pissed off and I still felt the need to cut. I didn't. But the need stayed and didn't go away until I tool a Tylenol PM (which mellowed me out and took the edge off the anger I was feeling.) I know that I can't just pop a Tylenol whenever I feel the need to cut, and I know that cutting is not a healthy option also... but sometimes I wonder if stopping is worth it. I mean... I don't cut too deep and there is a very real physical release that comes with seeing the blood. If my options are cut to stop feeling the way I feel or take a sleeping pill to numb it up a little, what's the point? At least cutting won't permanently damage my liver. (and I know that if you cut deeply you risk permanent damage... but like I said, I don't.) I don't know... I guess the part of me that wants to be "healthy" (whatever THAT means) knows that cutting is not ok. But the part of me that has been doing it since high school to cope, the part of me that knows that it does actually relieve those horrible feelings, really doesn't see the point in stopping. But, I want to stop most days. (Like, right now, I don't feel the need to cut... and I really want a strategy in place to avoid it next time... but I know that "next time" I'm not going to care.) I guess any suggestions from people who have been maybe successful in stopping (or cuting back) on their SI tendencies would be very helpful. Thanks.