My grandfather died 7 months ago. He wasn't just the first close relative I've lost, he was the only one who loved me unconditionally and accepted me for who I am. No one who's related to me in any way was ever capable of this. No one but him.

Tomorrow is my birthday. My first birthday without him. For the first time in my life he won't be there. He won't wish me all the best in his old fashioned, almost formal way. He won't squeeze my hand too hard, he won't hold me in a brief but tight hug.

Yesterday was Saint Nicholas (kids get a present on the 6th of December here instead of on Christmas). He and my grandmother always had a little something for me and my brother on that day, even when we got way too old for that. This year we brought something for my grandmother. Since her husband died she doesn't care about anything and her memory losses got worse and worse. She wouldn't have remembered what time of the year it is if we didn't tell her and the thought of celebrating didn't even cross her mind this year.

It's going to be Cristmas soon. But at the end of this month my grandfather won't bring us a tree from the small terrain my grandmother owns. He used to cut down a tree, put it in his car, then take it to our house. All by himself, for 20 years. It always seemed a mild miracle to me that an 80+ year old man could carry a large tree on his shoulders for the hundred and more stairs you needed to climb to reach our house. And yet he always did... this and so many other amazing things.


I want him back. I want him to be here with me. I want December to be my favourite month again, because of all the stuff we'd be celebrating together. I want to wake up tomorrow and find out it was all just a bad dream. It's not gonna happen, I know.
I just can't imagine my life without him.