Well, I did it! I went in and told T that I had to let out this sadness tonight. I asked T if she would sit on the couch with me, she said yes. We did talk a bit about why I wanted that, first - I said it was because I was self-conscious and didn't want her staring at me while I bawled, and I told her the core of it really was that I didn't want to be alone with these feelings when they came out. So T asked if she should just join me on the couch then, I agreed - so she did, she said we'd just have this session on the couch! It was kind of different to have T that close, but I liked it. So then I asked T if she remembered me telling her about my fantasy about her holding me while I cried - so we talked about that, T said she was open to doing that. She rubbed my arm a bit, I think to put me more at ease and to establish some physical contact before jumping fully into holding me.

So then it was a matter of accessing the sadness without forcing it - it took a few minutes of talking, and then I reread the letter from my little ones to T that I'd read in last week's session - one line in particular really did the trick, and BAM! - I just let that sadness come out. I don't know how long I cried, probably only for a few minutes. I kinda leaned forward and covered my face with my hands at first and sobbed so hard, my body was shaking. T put one arm around me and her other hand on my arm closest to her - at one point, I leaned my head in to rest on her shoulder, and she really held me then, just kinda enveloped me more in her arms. I was focused on letting out my sadness, but I wanted to remember what it felt like to cry and have T hold me like that - did it ever feel safe! I felt so loved and protected. It was hard for me to pull back, but I did, and we talked more about the sadness. At one point, I started crying hard again and just put my head down - T reached over and put her hand on the back of my head and also rubbed my arm. It all felt as healing as I thought it would feel. And T was right there with me the entire time, I felt so connected to her.

I don't remember exactly how, but at some point T turned the talk about the sadness and my childhood and the relationship with my mother to sex and relationships with men and my weight. I was so not in the mindset to discuss any of that tonight, but I went there, thinking T would make a connection with it all - and she did, that this longing I have could be filled by a partner, it doesn't have to be a mother, that's just what I've always identified it with since I was a child. But T then pointed out that she sees how important it is to me to be in a relationship, and she said that's why she had really pushed me fast on the sex stuff a few sessions ago (and for those of you who don't know, that led to a major rupture). T kept asking me difficult questions about my weight, and then T said that she thinks my weight is the source of all my pain. I didn't even know how to respond to that!

So I told T that there were other things I wanted to discuss, but we could wait until my session on Wednesday (thank God for twice-a-week sessions!). I told T that my little ones wrote her a letter about her being the 'new mommy', and she wanted to hear it, so I read it with about 5 minutes left. After I read it, T commented that my little girl was really forgiving of her. I asked what she meant, and T went into this discussion that just blew my mind - T said that she sometimes feels at a loss for words with me, that she feels like she's constantly letting me down, and that I should be upset with her for that. I told T that she's too hard on herself, and then T told me that we were now enacting my mother's and my's relationship. I told T that I try hard to be mindful of that and not to do that, but that it didn't change the fact that she is being too hard on herself! T said she felt like she took me in some wrong directions in session tonight, and that we're acting out some kind of dynamic, falling into some pattern, that it's a good thing because it will show us something, she's just not sure what yet, but T said she'd figure it out. I was completely floored by this, and also kinda upset that I didn't really get any closure on what I considered to be my biggest accomplishment thus far in therapy. And now, the more I think about it, the more I realize that (as usual) T saw before I realized that I wasn't happy with the direction she took tonight's session. But as for her being at a loss for words sometimes - I totally don't get that, I never feel that from her. She said it's meaningful, how?

So, I was left feeling very confused at the end, and I feel like that overshadowed my big emotional release at the beginning of the session... and I still didn't feel like I was done crying, or maybe I just wanted to be held by T more! Thank goodness I see T again on Wednesday, we have A LOT to discuss!!!