I don't think I've ever felt whole. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I feel like something has always been missing...and all my life I've searched for it. I remember when I was a kid I would put all my energy in finding a "best friend" someone who I could share everything with. I never found a best friend. I don't think I've ever felt close to a single person in my life....not even my parents....maybe my brother but recently he and I don't talk hardly at all.

This empty, unwhole feeling has been lingering in me for years...and at this point in my life it is stronger than ever. To cope I've been binge drinking and/or cutting to numb me or distract myself from the feeling. I feel so, so alone in life...

When I drink it makes me even more upset...drinking when you have depression just makes the emotions so much worse. I have all this built up anger and pain so when I drink all my weaknesses collide and I break down. But when I am sober I can't seem to let out any emotion and most the time I go through the day not caring and feel like a zombie...like I am a huge faker because I really am so down but I try and act like I'm fine to function throughout the day. Or some days I'll just give in and sleep all day to escape everything.

I'm going to see a counselor this Thursday...I'm hoping he can give me some advice on what I can do to get help. I won't have health insurance so I'm worried what will happen...I want and need help but can't pay for it. I hope he can point me in the right direction. I am tired. Very, very tired...living with this depression for over 3 years now untreated...I know i can't ignore it anymore. I'm scaring my friends and will hurt the ones who care about me the most if I don't do something.