I've been thinking lately...what if? I've absorbed so much negative talk from friends, coworkers and the media lately and had so many strange and unusual things happen to me in this last year, that I suddenly realized today - what if my fears are out of proportion with the threat?

If I'm sitting here waiting for the worst to happen all the time, I'm not surprised when it doesn't -I just tell myself it hasn't happened *yet.* And then when something comes up as stressful, I can tell myself "see, I told you something bad was going to happen." Well, if I wait long enough, I'm going to be right. Good and bad things will happen and I'll be right a percentage of that time.

I do know that I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" and of protecting myself from invisible risks that never come to pass. I'm weary of fear, itself, and of all the energy it takes to buffer myself constantly against pain and loss. I want to believe that I am a good, capable person, who will find a way to take care of themself anyway when bad things happen, and who can still enjoy the good things while they come and go.

I'm tired of grief and fear and loss. I have got to find a way to let it go and say "I did my best," and have that be enough. I've got to find a way that my worth isn't wrapped up in what I do or in how others wish to define me. And the hardest part is finding the courage somewhere, somehow to stand up to my own self-talk and despair to protect my own heart and soul. To believe in the better side of "what if?"