I heard a song today that went something like "think you're on this road alone, looking for a truth untold, many times you've been close to breaking, giving up and letting go, something inside says it's not over."

Have you ever been hit so hard by something like this that for a minute you can't breathe? How come a song with such a hopeful message is making me so sad? Something inside me is saying it's not over -- it's the same something that saved my life when I was contemplating suicide. But I'm tired of hearing "it's not over" and "it'll get better" without any proof. It's gotten marginally better since I was at my lowest, and by marginally I mean I live in a quieter part of my residence building (last year I was in the busiest corridor and the noise really got to me) and I'm free of a relationship that had me in a choke hold. But I'm still just as lost and just as lonely and the only reason I'm even getting out of bed in the morning is for the one hour I give myself a day to write. The rest of the time I'm restless, ill at ease, hate myself completely and function just well enough to keep people from suspecting anything might be wrong. My life feels pretty empty right now. What if I'm just fooling myself? What if it stays this way forever? I feel like I'm on some kind of wild goose chase.