Or the time of year? Or because I'm starting a major depressive episode right now? It seems like when I read on here, more and more people are posting the same things that I am feeling...uselessness, hopelessness, helplessness (ok, I could think of a lot more -lessnesses, but you get the point). I am having a supremely bad time right now. I've gone through fits of crying that have lasted for hours, I feel alone and worthless (AGAIN). My pdoc is out of town (he's supposed to be back sometime today)...but anyway, do you think its the time of year? I have always found I love Christmas time, but then minutes after my son opens the presents there is this gigantic letdown and I spiral into a depression until springtime. This year I'm doing the same thing, but earlier. Of course, I did stop taking my antipsychotic on my own (I know, I know), so I think this has a lot to do with it, but it leads me to believe if I weren't on any medicine it seems like this is just a time of year when my cycle is extremely low. Today I am more detached, Sunday I was furious, I don't remember much of yesterday-I guess just blah. When does it freaking end? I once tried to explain my mind and the way I think to my pdoc (same as my T) and the best way I could describe things in that every hour is a small circle, everyday a little larger, every week larger still, until you get to the entire year which is this huge circle that sits on a stack of all the years past (each month touching the same month of years past). So today would be a big circle (in my head picture) made up of 24 small circles, and a year would be made up of 12 large circles made of up of progressively smaller circles. Geezus, I know this makes no sense. But my point is that its like I spin around and around and around and the only thing that changes is the year.