My T won't tell me my diagnosis. Or rather, she says she doesn't label, the DSM is flawed, etc etc. But I think she thinks I have BPD. I'm scared I have BPD. I don't want to have BPD, but I want to KNOW. I heard in one of my psych classes that therapists will oftentimes avoid telling borderline patients their dx because labelling can be bad for someone with a fuzzy sense of self. So maybe that's why my T won't tell me.

So I don't go into rages or have a problem with promiscuity or anything.. in fact, I'm pretty high functioning, working in my field, doing well enough at my job.. but here are some things that make me think I'm borderline.

Should I keep bugging my T about this?

- sudden onset of OCD symptoms happened when I started working at an OCD clinic -- I "picked up" on symptoms I heard about. WTF? HATE THIS. Fuzzy sense of self problem?
- And, I do have a problem with lack of sense of self.
- extremely low self-esteem, self-hatred
- big mood swings, crying, random meltdowns
- used to cut, still do minor SI - pinching, scratching, dermotillomania
- get crazy obsessed with friends, boyfriends, especially mentors (used to stalk "mother figure" teachers in the past, when I had less self-control)
- stopped trying to make friends at all because I'm afraid I will lose control, get obsessed, cause myself shame.
- there's always the "new greatest thing" - hobbies, ideas, philosophy of life - which I will suddenly forget about. Begged my parents for a guitar, tried to learn to play for about a week, haven't tried again in a year..
- stopped being a Christian when I moved and wasn't around other Christians. Feels like it never existed, like I never believed that stuff, even though I was totally obsessed with being a "perfect Christian" back in the day.
- used to smoke way too much pot, even when I knew smoking too much would make me paranoid
- other self-destructive tendencies - making bad choices on purpose
- broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years after considering it for a day or two.
- impulsive.. once shaved my head because I just "decided to do it"
- history of CSA, physical abuse, dysfunctional home
- all or nothing, black and white, perfectionism to an extreme..

I'm in psychology... I give diagnostic assessments.

I know I must be borderline.