since my father died. i miss him today. i've spent alot of my life thinking about, and missing, him...not having him.

why do i miss him so much? i never really had him to begin with. if anyone could have saved me, he could have but he was never there.

am i missing hopes and dreams or am i missing my father? i don't know and i really don't care. i miss my dad. i just got him back, then lost him forever. i've always grieved for my dad, it's just changed now.

i don't know what else to say. it hurts. it's always hurt. my thoughts go to my father today and it's like, "he's not out there anywhere." he always used to be out there somewhere (overseas, in war, at work, out of state, drinking, etc.), just not available. now, he'll never be.

i don't even know what i'm trying to say.

kd