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So today and Monday have been great for a change, compared to the past months...I got to talk to the kid I like earlier tonight. He actually makes me happy, which is really hard to do lately. And he encourages me to do the opposite of what he screwed up on...he always says something to make me smile...you know all that kinda thing. We always have good conversations.
But, still I cant help but think of everything. The moment I am left alone, with no one around, nothing to do...everything just falls apart. As I said briefly in another post, my mother is in jail for attempted murder on my now 3 year old sister. She was like 2 1/2 at the time. My mom's a paranoid schizophrenic, and her reasoning for behind what she did is that. She cant even remember it. It's so confusing to actually go through something like this. Because, she is my mother...we had so many good times together. But I have the same reaction as anyone else would. It happened back in April, but it still hasnt fully hit me yet. I'm still in that "Whoa...this is my life.." stage. And the thing that sucks, was 3 years ago was the last time I saw her. It was the last time because she saw the cuts on my wrist, and she freaked out on me for it. Not even addressing that I had an issue I needed help with...she just told me I had to stop seeing my friends and stop listening to my music. The two most important things to help me. She went around telling everyone. "Steph ****ing cut her wrists." She didnt want to deal with me. And she called my dad, who was in Maine, cause we lived there at the time. He was down in two hours. Cause my mom lived in MA. My dad took me, talked to me. Asked why. Tried to understand. That was the last time I saw her. Was because she b****ed me out cause of my problems. Then 3 years later, she's on the news in cuffs...with these cuts all over her. This look in her eye...just blankly staring... I had been pulled out of school that day and I had no idea what was going on. All I was told was "Its your mom." when I asked. I thought she commited suicide because of the way everyone was asking. My gram said "Im so sorry Steph" when I walked in the door and hugged me. So by this time I was sure she had killed herself. Then I got the news and I didnt know what to do. The first time I saw her in years...shes there for attempted murder for my little baby sister.
Her trial was already supposed to happen. But you know how court is. Its stressing me the hell out because I have a sociology class, which we do current events in. And who wouldnt want to do an update on a schizo woman thats local who attempted murder on an innocent little child. That kind of news just attracts people, Im not stupid. And I'm just scared about how Im going to react. Because I honestly have no idea. I told my dad that...and he just said "No one will know its your mother" Actually, Im pretty sure that everyone does know already, theyre just kind enough not to talk about it. And I dont care if they do, its reality. I cant change it. I'm just scared of breaking down in class. Cause I'm a very to myself kind of person, and it would just be embarassing.
Then after all this is going on, my now ex boyfriend called me up one night telling me how hes going to commit suicide. "I'll always be with you...just maybe not physically" is what he told me. He's sitting there telling me to stop crying. I loved him. I still do, it doesnt just go away. But he asks if he walks to my house, will I meet him outside. I say of course, because I need to know he's okay. Otherwise I'm not sleeping that night. Its around 12 in the morning, we meet up down my road. He asks me to come with him, just for the night, because he cant trust himself. I appreciate his honesty, and of course, being the kind of person I am I go with him. I care about him, Im not just going to let him go off without me knowing he's alright. I need to know that kind of thing. Otherwise it drives me crazy. Now, the next morning, everyone thinks Im dead or I have run away. Which, wasnt my intent at all. But hey, I cant help everyone right. Well, the police were called, my best friend was freaking out, everything went to hell. I was minutes away from an amber alert. I was grounded for a month, no internet, no phone. But I found ways around it, talking to him. With one week left of my groundation, I get dumped through his litte sister. It was the biggest smack in the face. Now, my father still doesnt trust me. He doesnt believe me when I say we have nothing to do with eachother now. I cant go off to hang out at the plaza where the movies are without him literally driving out of his way to come search for me. Its very stressful. Especially since I have things to hide, like drinking and pot.
Then after this, my dog that I had since I was 6 as a Christmas present, had to be put down. I really loved that dog. She was the best. She had a tumor, and it burst, so there was blood on the floor. Guess who didnt make it through the door before she was told her dog was dying on an already crappy Monday? Guess who got to clean the blood stains on the stairs?
So you could guess this makes me really depressed and stressed out. Not to mention everyone has been so f****** dumb and annoying at school lately. I have been shaking because I get so frustrated at everyone. My grades have been crap. And progress reports came home last friday. This time I didnt even make it halfway down the street from my bus stop, before I saw my dads white pickup pulling up. Asking for the reports. He *****ed me out so bad...He started telling me that Im such a screw up, that I keep ****ing my life up... how he can never trust me. How he doesnt know me anymore. How I dont try. How if I dont get my grades up by the end of this week, everythings going to hell for me pretty much. How the next time I screw up like this, he's making me live with my gramma. [Which is another huge story in its own] So I'm sitting here like wow...you expect me to have the will to do better on everything after you tell me this...
And this isnt even half the things going on in my life. Theyre just the more major ones that are bothering me the most. I dont know, I guess I needed to get it all out of my system. Sorry for such a HUGGEEE post.
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