My heart goes out to you because I know you are suffering. It's obvious you are using the drinking and cutting to aleviate pain. I hope you have someone, a counselor, doctor, phychiatrist, who can help you understand this difficult time and show you ways to work thru the pain so you don't have to try to bury it anymore. It doesn't have to be like this sweetie.
Hugs,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell