I'm in the worst mood today. The weather outside is nasty, I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm having cramps, and I want answers from T! Maybe this mood is okay for this evening's session, it might serve me well.

I really want T to explain a lot of things to me that she said at the end of Monday's session. Why is she at a loss of words sometimes with me, and when exactly did that happen? When did she think she let me down, and why does she continue to do it and point it out to me before I even realize it's happened? Did she not feel the connection between us that I felt on Monday? Did she not realize the significance of me asking her to sit with me and hold me while I let out those powerful emotions, all that sadness? Why didn't we stay with that topic?

I've also realized that I really don't want to discuss the topic of my weight with T. Whenever she brings it up now, my defenses go up, and I want to crawl behind the couch and hide so she can't see me, I feel like she's looking at me and judging me, even if it's subconsciously. I hate that feeling. I'm so ashamed. I know that means there's a lot of material there to discuss, but not tonight - I can't do it tonight. And I'll have to tell her that.