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Dec 09, 2009, 05:30 PM
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Member Since: Dec 2009
Posts: 5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxanneMurphy
So, for some time, I haven't really been the happiest in my current relationship, which is also my marriage. Actually, quite the opposite for a majority of the time. There's always been something that I felt was lacking, some thing wasn't there. I've told him quite a few times that I've been more unhappy since we've been together than I've ever been in my life. It sounds exaggerated, but it really isn't. I've been more consistently depressed-feeling in our relationship than I ever have before we were together. Granted, in the beginning was pretty good, however, a lot of that was because there was a decent amount of sex involved. However, it's gone to a complete feeling of isolation. The worse part was that I had no idea how to describe what was going on in a way in which he would understand, or just for the fact that I had no idea what was going on. It's hard to fix a problem if you don't know what the problem is. As of lately, I've completely emotionally distressed to the point where I felt rather pessimistic about the whole relationship and marriage. I want to make it work soo bad, if not for anything else, but for our daughter. However, I don't want to stay in the marriage if I'm just going to be completely miserable, which I'm getting to the point of feeling. I need to think of what's best for my daughter, and I definitely don't want her to grow up thinking that it's okay to be very unhappy in a marriage, I don't want her to develop that sense of being, because, quite simply, it's not okay.
I realized last night the problem existing is the fact that we don't have any "emotional intimacy", and it's making me crazy. He has also said that he doesn't believe in the romantic type of love anymore (because of a situation in his past where he loved a girl, but let her go because her aspirations were quite unmatched with his lack of aspirations at the time, as well as the fact that he's been in numerous relationships where they resulted in the girl cheating on him in a good percentage of those relationships). So, his ability to trust has become almost non-existent. I also developed a theory out of that as well. When he was eight, his dad died of an overdose on heroin (he doesn't have any drug problems himself). His mom got arrested not too long after his dad died, for drugs, which she hadn't got arrested in the past. However, because of her arrest, and then time in rehab, he has been shipped around from family member to family member, as well as placed in foster care. He also has yet to come to terms with his dad dying.
So, my theory is that because he hasn't really coped with his dad dieing, he's developed defense mechanisms where emotion and empathy is almost non-existent. He thinks of everything in a completely logic manner in which emotions aren't really factored into the equations. I've talked to him about the whole emotions aspect, and every time he says that emotions just get in the way of competent decision making. I've gone through a lot of emotionally distressing things, many times because of the whole lack of emotions thing, and every time I talk to him about it, (1) he tries to think of a way to try to 'solve' it, as opposed to being empathetic and (2) when there is seemingly a solution, it turns out to become, more or less, 'I'll get to when I get to it', which never ends up happening.
It's just become so frustrating, giving everything you have mentally and emotionally, only to have none of those feelings similarly shared. There has never been any type of romantic love, no small things, gestures, feelings, or anything that would be related. It's as if we never got past the friend stage. He says he loves me, and I'm certain that he does, however, not the same type of love that I have for him. I don't want to make excuses for it, but I honestly believe that not fully coming to terms with his father dieing is playing a key role in this.
I wanted to know what you guys think. Is it possible, or am I wasting my time? I'm not trying to change him, only he can do so, but I also think that him not coming to terms with his father's death has caused some decent mental after affects. I just really, really need to figure out what's going on, because I really can't handle too much more of this, mentally. I'm trying soo hard to make this work, but nothing seems to be making any progress with anything.
Thoughts, opinions? I want to see every perspective of this before I go jumping the gun on this.
Thank you guys for your time. 
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I know how you feel because I went through the same thing with my ex-boyfriend. He was being very secretive and couldn't trust me with even little things. I on the other hand, couldn't take it and broke up with him. I felt like I was giving so much but wasn't getting anything in return because of his issues with trusting.
But reflecting back on everything, I feel that I shoud've tried to talk to him. I should have told him how he made me feel and tried to work things out.
If he doesn't listen or doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are going then you can make any decisions from there. I know it must be hard for you, especially because you have a daughter involved, but I think that staying in the relationship will eventually hinder her too.
I wish you best of luck. Keep posting and let us know how it goes.
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