I didn't know there was a grief forum. im going to ramble. every night for the last 3 or 4 nights i get this unbearable sadness come over me. it has always been soo hard for me to cry.....now when i cry it is almost hysterical...overwhelming.
in october my dad died of complications from alzeimers. we had an odd relationship. he left us kids when i was 3 . i met him when i was 17and saw him off and on since then. i was the first of the 4 kids to meet him my sister and brother only knew him with alzeimers.i told him about my mothers neglect and s. abuse of me...he said iwouldn't have beleived it if it didn't come from your words....funny that was big my sister doesn't believe it. But my brother my big brother my protector...he always beleived me...we talked about it he wondered about whether mom did anything to him...he was just exploring that...when he died of a heart attack on jan 2nd this year. oh how i miss ...i loved him so much ..he is ...was.... my only family member that i understood and he understood me.
almost two years before my brother died he and his new wife had a beautiful baby girl named molly lynn...her middle name is my first name. i spent two glorios days up visiting my brother and his baby girl...laughing and joking and enjoying...each other. fifteen days later molly lynn died of the flu.his parents hearts were broken and my heart was broken. my brothers new wife is an addict and it's soooo hard to be around her because she is so in her addiction. i tried to do an intervention and basically she threw meout of the house and told me i wasn't kin to my two neices whom i love ( her two daughters who are 5 and 14 ).
arghhh my heart aches for my brother and my neice...and for my father who was only a father when i was an adult.
20 years ago i bought and helped build my own home through habitat for humanity. my 2 absolutely wonderful kids grew up in that house.. in august i had to move out and put it up for sale...the house that is part of my soul is closing this month.....i couldn't afford to keep it.
whine whine whine ...i know but it seems like everything i've ever known is not there anymore. i know i am very lucky to have my 2 grown children...such good kids and happy and healthy...but my sadness is so overwhelming.