my depression has grown into other serious issues that i can no longer control anymore. i feel completely insane. somedays i am my manic self, but right now i am back to just depressed and miserable. i just dont know where to go from here. WHY DOES EVERYTHING SEEM SO PAINFUL?!?! i know that life isn't suposed to feel like this. but every aspect of my life brings my pain, even things that should make me happy. but i cant control it, and i am sick of trying to help myself. since i dont see doctors i have only tried self help and i keep trying to be optomistic, but when will i stop denying that i am SICK!!! and that i cannot control everything that my mind is going to put me through, and i cant control everything, i cant always be optomistic, and want to help myself. Sometimes, I don't want to help myself. sometimes, it feels better to just feel bad about myself and feel miserable and drained, maybe because it is what i am used to, and it is easier for me, i dontknow. but the days i do feel i have any sort of strength i do try to help myself. but i just keep getting worse and worse on my bad days that i get lower and lower as a person, as a soul. at least thats how it feels. i feel like i am person walking around without a soul without a purpose and without any happiness. and i feel like i dont have the capacity in my brain to allow any sort of happiness, because everything in life tires me, every thing that should make me at least feel something, only feels bad. i feel diseased, and i just want to get better but just 'wanting' to get better isn't making my better and i just dont know what to do anymore. i am afraid for my life, though i've already ruined it, and myself. I DONT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE. JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY. i just want to die, and though i am not suicidal anymore, sometimes my mind scares me i know that i will be ok for now ive gotten used to just being miserable and dealing with it, but i just hope that i dont do something stupid in the future, because i know how bad my mind can get to me. i know that i can live my life being miserable, but it isnt worth it. i either want to get better.... or i want to die. I CHOOSE GET BETTER!! but why is it sooo hard?!? im trying day in and day out i dont know what to do anymore, my mind WILL NOT let me get better