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07:37 PM

Unfortunately I had to get buzzed to post this, I know I need to. this was posted 12:15am this morning, and then deleted @ 1am.

The pressure is getting to me

This weight on my shoulders- I hate it. Food is calling to me, it's become my best frenemy and I think I'm losing control. I don't want to eat. I can't eat. I need to keep losing weight. I need to get back into the healthy range for my height. I've lost ten lbs since Thanksgiving. I'm 5'7" and 165lbs. I've struggled a bit. I had recently gained some weight before Thanksgiving, gaining 5lbs during the holiday, placing me at 175! I used to be at 150 to 155lbs for the longest time, but over the past year crept up to 160. Then I would go down a bit, then end up at 165, then back to 160, and then repeat and start all over, and over, and over again. I know I should be eating more, but I want to lose weight. I would go for a walk, but it's too cold, I don't want to get sick again, or ever. I usually don't get sick. I also don't want to binge or purge. I don't talk about it. I got some help for it when it reared its ugly head my senior year of high school. It took a lot of courage to tell my mom and get help. I thought I would be fine at college, and for the most part I was. I can honestly say I only had two handfuls of binge purge episodes in all my four years. I've started up again now living on my own after no longer having a roommate- I have only been living on my own again for about 4 of the almost 5 years a after graduating college. I started doing it rarely, then it became as often as once or twice a week, now it's down to maybe once or twice a month. I've heard some people do it as many times as a handful a day. While I don't do it as often, I still know it's not good for me and I'm trying to regain control of my eating habits.
So now I've been gaining weight along the process of curbing this bad habit. I hate it. No one notices an overweight anorexic until she's underweight. But I can't do that, even though I'm trying. I have too much of an appetite, for food and life in general. I don't think I have the willpower.
Yet I did quit smoking cold turkey. I quit my coke habit cold turkey/on my own. I stopped being a stoner. Now all I have is this damned food addiction. It's worse than any other addiction I've had, but unlike the rest, I can never get tired of food. Food's there for me. Food gives me strength, comfort, pleasure and enjoyment.
I can't afford to order food as much as I used to, that's helped a bit. Yet I also can't afford to binge on my own food, because then I'll end up with an empty refrigerator and then have to stretch whatever’s in my cabinet, which is where all my grains are, not much protein and all carbs. I haven't had real meat in over a week now. I had some tuna today in form of a sandwich, but I am planning on eating tofu for a while, I want to save/stretch out the handful of tuna cans I bought today. I really don't want to binge. I hate this feeling. I should've have gotten intoxicated, it's more difficult to resist when I'm inebriated. Damn. I only drink occasionally now, less water retention, no possibility of any gut development or weight gain. Damn, I remember when a friend of binge told me a long time ago I have an addictive personality, I had to learn the hard way just exactly what that means.