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Dec 09, 2009, 11:58 PM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: Limestone, Maine
Posts: 29
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Thank you both sunrise888 and jenkins09. Both responses were helpful and appreciated. 
sunrise888:
First of all, thank you for you wishes.
I am fortunate enough in the fact that he isn't the type to be secretive about anything. I mean, I'm free to log into his E-Mail account, as well as his MySpace account. It's not even the fact that I would want to, it's more that he's very open about things that are going on. His theory of logic about that is that he doesn't have anything to hide, so it doesn't really matter to him if I do or don't. Not to mention that if he plans on going somewhere, say to a friend's house after work, he will call me to let me know what he plans on doing. There isn't really a trust issue, but more of a jealousy issue. I can completely understand the jealousy aspect for a few reasons. (1) I, myself, am a jealous person, so I understand why the jealousy can be there, even if our reasons for being jealous people are different, and (2) the fact that a good majority, borderline most, of his relationships have ended because the girl has cheated on him. There has only been one time that he has ever cheated on someone. I believe that it also ties in with an insecurity issue, for a few reasons. (1) The biggest one being that of his past relationships, (2) he has always been generally insecure about himself, stemming from the fact that he was overweight when he was somewhat younger, and (3) I generally believe that it's also because he doesn't want to loose me. The thing that bugs me about his jealousy is that he is primarily focus on the aspect of me physically cheating (cheating just for the sex, one-night stand type of thing). However, I am not physically attracted to any guy, other than him (which is his main concern). The thing is that he doesn't seem to be too concerned about the possibility of me cheating because I'm seeking an emotional connection with someone as opposed to a physical one. I could honestly care less about being physically attracted to someone else, basically meaning that it's just not something that's really going to happen. Not to mention that, for me, cheating for the sake of having sex with someone that I find solely physically attractive just seems completely pointless. Do that so I can absolutely ruin everything that I do have for sex with someone just for the sake of lust? No thanks. I can currently get that anytime that I wish from my husband. It just seems pointless, not to mention, too much work. His focus of worry in regards to cheating is the opposite of what would more likely happen. If I was to ever cheat, it would be because of some type of emotional aspect.
Having our daughter in the picture, as opposed to not having a child, makes this whole thing difficult. If it wasn't for her, then I believe that this situation wouldn't have happened. I'm trying every possible thing that I can before 'throwing in the towel'. I'm not ready to give up, because he also has many good characteristics to offer. At the same time, if something doesn't change, somehow, then there's really no point. I really don't want her to grow up, and entering dating and relationships, with such low expectations of how a relationship 'should' be by observation. I cannot not imagine giving her the perspective to where she would be placed in the same situation, possibly an even worse one, than I am at now. I refuse to let that happen. I'm just fortunate enough where she's young enough and where encountering this problem (and it's starting to come to a head where something has to give) where if things don't improve, the chances of effect are going to be much lower than say if this didn't come to a head for another ten years or so. I've learned that I can't, and won't, be stuck in a relationship that I feel is unsatisfying. I feel that I'm too young to allow that to happen, especially now having a daughter.
jenkins09:
I want to especially thank you for your response simply because of the male factor. Comparing a somewhat similar situation helps me to analyze our situation better. As soon as I can, I'm going to find out what marriage counseling option are available. As I responded to sunrise, finding a marriage counselor in our area is pretty near impossible for the fact that there is a limited amount of marriage specific counselors (counting ones that specify in more than just marriage counseling), and they are usually booked/not taking new patients for at least a year in most cases. We also lacks the means to be able to travel to go see one in different area of location (meaning anything further than a few towns away, depending on the distance between each town). However, what I was planning on doing is, when I have my next therapy appointment, which is Friday (and also if weather permits [super snow storm as I type]), having him join me on my session, and asking my therapist what she thinks about the whole situation (as much as we can get in within an hour), and possibly find and get a reference for a marriage counselor (the insurance we have mandates referrals for any type of special situation, such as seeing a marriage counselor, in order to have it paid for).
To Both:
I have had many talks with him in regards to expressing the many things that I feel are problems, for one reason or another (for example, the whole cheating aspect and why I feel that the type of cheating that he worries about shouldn't be, and should be the whole emotional aspect of the reasoning of cheating if he feels it's necessary to worry about cheating). I've talked to him many times about what I want a relationship to be, as well as what I want in a relationship. He claims that my ideas are unreasonable and unrealistic, and then dismisses it. I will admit that some aspects of what I want are absolutely ridiculous, and I honestly wouldn't really expect those things, but I would very much settle for a much simpler, completely achievable version, which he is also aware of. Everything that I feel is a problem (all the ones stated in this thread, as well as many others not mentioned), I have discussed with him at least once, with a majority of them multiple times. It feels more times than not, that I'm talking to a wall. The only thing that one can assume is that maybe I'm just not explaining things right. However, that can be debunked in the fact that I always ask him if he understands what I mean, and he almost always says that he does (and when he doesn't, I try to either explain it better or provide examples, and he usually says that he gets it after just one re-explanation), but yet, it still doesn't seem to sink in. We're both fully aware of various types of problems and what not, and make a point of telling him when a new problem arises because there used to be a pretty decently bad communication issue (because he is much more a verbal person, and I've always been much more of a written word person, but I've gotten better at verbalizing issues, wants, and needs).
I just really need to find out what is going on, what's the real problem of all this emotional distress to myself. The only thing that I can think of is his childhood past. I'm not trying to say that all the problems with our relationship is solely because of him, because it absolutely isn't. However, the problem that's taking the biggest toll on our relationship, as well as my mental well-being, is seemingly his emotional brick wall. I also believe that this isn't something that can be resolved with trying to fix little specifics. I feel this is something that in order solve it, or at least somewhat improve it, is to address the real root of the issue. I'm not trying to change him into some little, perfect trophy husband. I just need someone that I feel is emotionally available to me, so that things don't feel so one-sided and lonely.
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