*****TRIGGER ALERT***** may be too intensely written.

we were sexually abused so early that it was pre-verbal and it continued until we were able to be impregnated and then it stopped... maybe.besides incest this was due to ritual abuse our mother's family were in. we were violated by males/females/ children and adults. it is extremely hard to write this. we don't know how many we were with. just to make it freakier, we had a strong denial system that believed we were a virgin who had chosen not to be with anyone both before and then after we became a member of the Christian faith. in truth we were extremely afraid of guys.

about 14 years ago i was horribly upset when i realized i wasn't "technically" a virgin when i married. it was so shocking to me/us to wrap our mind around it all. my husband was a virgin when we married and our personal beliefs put very high value on saving one's body for marriage partner. i felt i owed my husband an apology and yet i had never had any choice over what was done to me or with me.

it weirds me out that i have been able to deal with ritual violence (to some degree) and yet not deal with this issue. i feel like a prisoner in my own body.

i know i have never had freedom to allow anyone (except God possibly) to come close to me to acknowledge or heal any part of this. it has been torture to be married and have so much negativity and guilt inside concerning physical and emotional intimacy. i have allowed my husband to be emotionally abusive and i felt guilty because i know i have deprived him of the joy of healthy sex. he didn't abuse me and yet he is paying a horrid price because they damaged me so badly. it's not fair to either of us. i just HATE sex! i am angry with us for not being able to deal with this yet - which is cruel of me since none of us chose this, even the alts who "thought" they had a choice and chose to comply and some alts who truly enjoyed some things we did.

we used to hate the alts who responded humanly to human sexual behaviors done to us. it is so crazy-making because it ran the gamut from "gentle", even pleasant experiences to violent sexual sadism. it blows our mind and we know somewhere in the darkness of our "blind" system(blind in that no alt can see any of the others) are miserable, suffering parts who need to be freed. and somewhere there is a part or parts who are holding our most volcanic anger and rage toward the nasty, skanky, perverted COWARDS who twisted our precious little girl innocence into a nightmare so evil we hate the idea of even having a body and even more wish there was no such thing as sex....

as you can see, "we gots issues......" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if we have done wrong to write this here it is ok to delete this post. we don't want to hurt anyone with our words and yet we are so distressed that we wrote this anyway because we want to be heard and set free. it was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, F****** wrong!

we are so tired inside...