Okay.
I'm here. In depression forum...and for a reason, obviously.

I've read enough. Taken those online tests to see if I am depressed. Failed it, (or, passed. I suppose it depends on how one looks at it). Regardless, the tests I've taken state I'm clinically depressed.

I was wondering if those here can give me more personal insight on if I just may be depressed, if so, how to go about seeking help for it, (who do I go to, what to ask, etc), and what to expect in return.

I've been putting this off for quite sometime now. Not sure why. Maybe because I don't really care for the idea that I AM depressed.

I'm generally a very upbeat person. Little (normally) bothers me. I greet all with a huge smile and a song in my tone, so to speak. Helpful to other's. Optomistic. Playful.

But for the past couple years, (since a bit before I'd begun the plan to leave marriage), I began to slip into a low tolerance of....everything. It was a gradual decline from who I naturally am, and into a shell of what I have become.
I thought that once I've gotten myself & daughter out of that environment, I'd return to my old self again. After all, my optimism was a great power source and has before carried me through 3 trips to hell and back.
But this time is different. I haven't bounced back like before. Even though I keep telling myself...."tomorrow will be that first day of finding me again". Not happening, despite of what I'm telling myself. (Needless to mention, that daughter is suffering from this, as well).

What used to be simple, daily duties have become extremely difficult struggles that I do not attend to anymore. There are days that....sudden sorrow and sadness hit me so hard that I can't even think straight, let alone have the will to get dressed..IF, at that point, I even make it out of bed.
I have enormous difficulty concentrating. I forget things easily. I cannot comprehend....anything. I succumb to the simplest things...defeated. I don't even try anymore, feeling too overwhelmed before I even begin. I find that I don't even care...about alot of things anymore. Things which used to bring me great pleasure....simple things. Even my hobbies are a hassle for me...too much of a pain to do....not worth it, anymore....What is up with that? I LOVE my hobbies...or, used to.

I've noticed this is a cycle which occurs monthly. There are days that are better than others, but not many. And, it seems that with each cycle's end, the worse they progress....gradually. When the sorrow hits me....I'm absolutely worthless...to self and anyone around me.

The thought of medication sorta freaks me out. I've never been dx'd with anything before, and from all those ads I've seen on tv, (and I have to admit, some of the posts I've read on here, and with some ppl I've spoken to), the side effects from the drugs are worse than the problem itself.

I've considered that mayyyybe meopause may be a culprit, but I still have my period. I'm not experiencing any apparent symptoms from menopause, (that I've heard and read of), but wonder if a woman can have meopause without ANY symptoms....NO idea. Or, am I depressed?

What the hell am I so afraid of BY not attending to see a doc about this?
Why am I procrastinating? I'm aware that it might be time to seek help, but I keep putting it off.....why do I do that?

Anyway....any insight would be appreciated.
Thanks for your help. I appreciate it.

Shangrala