|
Dec 10, 2009, 09:01 AM
|
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueMoon6
I wasnt terribly overweight as a child (though I was told I was...another issue) but I believe for the simple reason that, although I was deep in shame, I had not yet discovered how perfectly food and eating would stuff my feelings of shame. How it could do what it did later, which would be to override feelings of shame and numb me to most feelings. When I was older and more sophisiticated, even as a teen and young adult, I learned how I could use food/eating to numb my feelings. Shame about anything, childhood, my body, how I felt about myself, then shame about that, shame upon shame upon shame because I felt originally, bad, worthless and shameful. Maybe this is what T meant? That is exactly the issue I am working on now with ftt. Shame that keeps me from being able to talk about it all while I feel it. Without feelings, I feel less shame while talking. I also use food to cover the feelings of not feeling loved as a child.
|
Hugs to both of us, Blue.  I think I knew by the age of 9 that I could use food to cover up that shame, which is why I'd sneak food and hide it in my bedroom. T and I have explored this a little, maybe we need to deal with it more. That feeling of worthlessness, that's what came up so strongly for me after the first EMDR - I think it really surprised both me and T. And we haven't really talked about it much since then - another area to go back and explore!
Quote:
I would imagine, if you are like me, and the food/weight issue has been your drug of choice to cover shame for a looooong time, you'll be talking about it for a looooong time! Your T sounds smart  She knows how your little ones have been helping you so you dont feel shame.
|
I feel like I have a lot of work to do still, but that's okay. T and I even talked about that last night - I brought up how it took me 8 months to release that sadness, so where's the shame? T was reassuring me that I'm working hard and that it's a process. I used to really worry about how long everything was taking, but now I feel reassured that T isn't rushing me and that I can take my time, figuring all this out. I'm the only one who knows what I need to heal, though T may sometimes pick up on that vibe before I consciously am aware of it! I am surprised that my little ones haven't really expressed yet their shame, though maybe this process I just went through of uncovering and then releasing the sadness is going to lead me into the shame, kinda like peeling back a layer of an onion.
Quote:
|
Im sorry that you have to be with your mother criticizing your weight. That could be rough. What will you do? Can you make phone calls to friends who would understand? Can you call T? Do you live close by so you can go home? I hope you will post and post and post.
|
I'm so used to my mother's criticism, and I unfortunately usually turn to food and/or alcohol to cope with that and many other dysfunctions that come up during the holidays. I do love my family, and we do enjoy time together, but the relationship between me and my mother especially has so many painful undercurrents. I do have my brother to support me, and I can call friends. I doubt I'll call T, I don't think I'll need to do that - plus, it will be the holidays, I don't want to bother T when she's celebrating with her family. I'll be traveling to see my parents, so I'll be staying at their house for several days, and my Internet will be limited, so I probably won't be able to post much - I'll have to wait and see how my cell service is when I get there. But don't worry about me, I'll be okay! 
|