(((BNLsMOM)))

First, a huge hug to you. You are being so brave, sharing your thoughts and your experiences. You are being courageous by deciding you want to change your life, and taking steps to do so. You are being responsible by reaching out to your support system and sharing with them. And, from the sounds of things you are a loving and caring mother.

I was terrified to meditate for years, in part because of the stigma of mental illness. It *can* sound crazy, or manic, or depressed, or resistant, etc. when you are starting to explore the spiritual part of your life. That does not mean that what you're doing is 'wrong' in any way. I spent hours with my own T talking about how afraid I was of people thinking I was crazy. I had a lot of fear to face, and I also had to learn to trust my own instincts about what I needed.

From what you described, I think you *did* get the message you needed at that time..'Shhh'....go to sleep. Rest. And you did go to sleep.
Instead of thinking that you need to try harder next time, celebrate the success you just had.

If you are feeling down on yourself, or feeling disconnected, pause and spend a few moments thinking about a time in your life when you were happy. It can be something very simple, like enjoying the peacefulness of a morning or how your child hugged you when you came home. Spend as long as you can thinking about those moments of happiness. Remember the details of them...and just let yourself re-experience that happy feeling. That feeling of happiness, is YOU, the core of who you are.

The thing about spiritual development is that it does not have to be hard. It can be a joyful and beautiful thing.

May you find the beauty within yourself.