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Dec 10, 2009, 03:53 PM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: Limestone, Maine
Posts: 29
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Tatyana:
I just want to thank you for you reply, first of all, because it really did make me think of some things a little differently (which is something that I wanted, and quite frankly feel that it's necessary in this situation).
His situation is indeed similar to an extent. His father was a very caring person to him, which is one of the few things that he remembers about his father. His father when he was eight from an overdose when they were both shooting heroin while he was at school. There are a lot of unresolved issues from this. He has, and still does, somewhat blame his mother for his father dieing for the fact that they were shooting the same batch, but the reason why he still somewhat blames her is that every time he has asked her, or that is come up, about his dad dieing, or how he died, apparently the story changes somewhat, usually in the small details. A short time after his death (I'm unsure of the specific timing, but it I know that it was within a year), she had gotten arrested on heroin charges and had to do a stint in rehab. He then was placed with relatives, which he end up being placed with a quite a few of them of that time span, as well as in foster care and foster homes. She did eventually get custody of him back. It got to the point that he disliked her enough where he had someone try to kill her. It was a mess apparently, and only about other people (including myself) know what happened to her. It's believed by everyone else that she fell and did it to herself. Things are still really tense between him and her, although she's not really aware of the tension. Like I said, there are a lot of unresolved issues in a lot of ways.
Everything above is what he's told me himself. All of those things were actually told to me within our first six months of seeing each other. We were very open with each other about what's happened in our past. I know that he loves me very, very much, and hes is excellent with our daughter. One of the bigger concerns with this whole situation is because of our daughter. Of course there's the aspect of her observation and what not, but what I'm more concerned about is when she gets older, will he be able to emotionally support her, and not just think through logic?
As for the analyzing, that is a very difficult thing for me to avoid. I'm a very analytical person (psychology major, anyone?). I also realized, as I've told him, that it's isn't all me. I have my own problems (and they tend to be plenty) that I need to deal with as well.
As far as showing him what is here, particularly in letter form, is that we've already gone through that whole sing and dance. I used to write a lot of things to him in letter form. To him, letter/written form isn't nearly effective, or impacting as verbal. I used to be a big person on writing to him, but it got to the point where I realized with him, written form is in a way pointless. I am able to explain thing better when I take the time to think about things and write it out. Because of certain things, I have a hard time verbalizing thoughts when I have to speak because I don't have the chance to take the time to think about the way to explain them where they come out the way that I'm thinking them. It's like a road block, in a way. However, I've figured out why I have that problem, and since then, with help, I've improve greatly with the whole thought to speech process.
I had actually talked to him about my whole theory, and what he thought of it, before I had posted this. I wanted to see other people's opinion on everything, because a lot of times, a third-party perspective is very useful.
After thinking about this post, as well as the others (thank you again guys), I've been thinking of ways to go about things to improve them. I came up with an idea today, as a start, at least. I told him that what we should do is both to make two lists. One consisting of things that we would like to change about ourselves (such as our own personality traits and things like that. Believe me, there are many things that I would like to change about myself, and I know he has some himself). The second list is to be things that bother us about each other that we would like to be different. After wards, what I want to do is to sit down and go through each others' lists and discuss what we think of each thing, and whether or not those things are something that we'd each be willing to change. Jenkins09 made me think of doing this, because he has a very good point. Just because I think that we know what each other wants and expects doesn't mean that we really do. I'm almost certain that it's the opposite. This way, I believe we can get a much better, more complete, idea of what each other expects from one another and in our relationship. After I ran the idea by him, he was a little apprehensive. He feels that this idea might backfire in the sense that we're going to get angry at each other for what we have to say. Like I told him though, these things need to be know, especially those angry things, those things that we probably don't want to hear. They need to be said, or else resentment will eventually build up. He also said that he's a rather laid-back type of person, which he is, and he tends to let a lot of things go. However, little things build up, and eventually become big things.
I hope that this helps. I'm optimistic. I need to be. 
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