Hi, Your last post gave a bit more info about where you are with this. I am glad my post made you think, after all - this is what this is about...
I love your idea about the 2 lists. I would probably add another list: Things that you like about the other person and do not want to change. I think there is a great value in having that too.
From what you wrote it sounds like he has an anger issue and an issue with conflict resolution. Therapy can help with that too. Therapy can also ease things for you so you do not have to be the therapist in the relationship, and take an equal stand, if you know what I mean.

His history sounds very complicated and sad. I am worried about what you wrote about him and his mother. Did you say he tried to kill her? If that is the case, how do you feel about that and how are you coping with that?

You are a mother, so you know what it means to be one for a child. It must be tough to know this is how your husband feels about his mother...

How long have you been married by the way?