I meant to respond last night, but I went and took a shower...
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No one notices an overweight anorexic until she's underweight. But I can't do that, even though I'm trying. I have too much of an appetite, for food and life in general. I don't think I have the willpower.
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I feel your pain! There's always the struggle between binging and restricting, with no middle-ground in between. No one sees it, though--our binges keep our weight up. It's strange--how we try to be "normal." We fast to lose weight, but the emotional support is no longer there. We binge, and end up purging just to maintain weight. Why are our emotions so entwined with food? Why is there such a "need"? Everyone
needs food, but not to the same extent. I can't imagine a harder addiction to break than an addiction to food.
I ended up losing 20 lbs. in July. Then I gained 10 in late August. Lost 15 in September, gained 15 from Oct-Nov. Now I'm losing again (only about 10lbs so far). In the end, am I ever "thinner"? I'm about the same weight as I was before, and since I'm tall--losing even 10-15lbs doesn't make a big difference in my appearance. I wish someone could see through my stupid mask and help me; I'm too scared to ask for it.
Unfortunately, I can't help you with your food addiction; I suffer from it as well. Our eating sounds similar. All I can tell you is, "yes, I'm suffering too."