I posted earlier in the week about my session, although I cant say it was difficult (or maybe I am minimizing it so I am in less pain), so much came up in the session about my relationship with my mother. And my body and food. I am remembering more and more. And more. I had a tantrum mon (or tues?) night and I felt awful and apologized to my family and my kids. I felt so out of control I cant even describe it. It as if I watch someone else do these things and feel so powerless. It takes every bit of energy to come back to myself, and when Im in that state, I cant.

Im feeling better and better as the week goes on, more clear about why I am/fel the way I do. But I feel like I have a hair trigger. Twice today my 2 1/2 yo d did not cooperate and I could feel this rage welling up inside of me. I was rougher with her than I would ever be, I didnt hurt her, but was feeling impatient and annoyed. Its as if Im fighting an angry child in me that wants to have it done HER way. I am then fighting my 8 year old AND my 2 yr old. I was feeling so overwhelmed in those few moments that I had to focus all of my energy on being an adult, even if I couldnt be a good adult.

After the session, I think I posted about it, I have been terrified to eat more and continue toward a higher goal weight. It feels way out of control and my weight dropped back down to 111. Im feeling like if I cant be successful with my weight or my relationship with food, I cant be successful with anything. Which I know isnt true, but it feels true. This is such old stuff from my childhood. That was how i was treated, if I was not successful in being the doll they wanted, I was a failure. I was a source of shame for them unless I allowed them to use me however they wanted.

I must be angry about that. This rage has been coming out all over the place this week. At myself mostly, I get annoyed if I cant get my own boots on fast enough I feel like an annoyance to myself. It must be childhood anger, or how I was treated, or ????? I remember as a child being always enraged at myself. UGH! I cant even write anymore about this.