I've already written in the grief section that my 47 year old sister died on the 3rd. I wrote that my sister was being cremated on the 9th.

Today, in another state is her memorial.

I am not crying. A few tears did fall twice within the last two days.....

What is currently happening is:


I don't know how I am holding up.

Except thank God, I did get the disorder of being dissociative.
From the childhood trauma of course, will do it every time.

I asked the Funeral man about these feelings
why I'm not crying but hyper and some -
asked him if I will cry - He told me I would.
Right now I can see myself


Behaving like a hyper giddy out of control kid. I'm also very shaky.

It's later in the day now so the hyper kid is mellowing.

I feel in it's place tear in my throat.

Something sad is trying to come out - But I don't want it too.

I don't want to go back and forth.

I don't want to act as I have the last few days in a business manner.
(I haven't even worked since 1995 +)

A serious side is taking over -

Sounds like I'm nuts - I am!

Being Bipolar does not help AT ALL.

Trying to stabilize so I won't keep acting like I'm some where else, suppose to be doing something, suppose to be feeling something

Dissociative and Bipolar, mix in a bunch of all forms of abuse and you have: Who Ever I AM