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Elysium · Dec 11, 2009, 06:32 AM

Well I made it through my princess shift. It was only four hours long, but it took a lot out of me. The air is really dry here right now and when I left work it was only 20 degrees (F). I got outside and as soon as I took a breath of the cold air my lungs closed up like a venus fly trap. I had to stop on the way home to take a couple puffs off my inhaler.

I am trying to avoid going to the Drs or the ER. I don't have health insurance right now, and I still owe this hospital a couple thousand for my psych hospitalization in 07. I have a few outstanding medical bills actually. Plus, I'm afraid that if I go in, they will be all nice until they find out I have a history of PTSD and depression, then their attitudes will change and they'll start talking down to me.

I'm really upset over the politics of the healthcare industry and the way Nurses are treated. I know that my mental illness has taken it's toll on my career...and I'm really working hard to keep it from going in the toilet. When I get physically ill, that just makes it that much more difficult.

It really urkes me that hospital administrators can threaten to terminate you do to illness. I've been down this road before. I'm sure many of you have. It just seems so much more unfair and unjust that it comes from Nurses. I have the hardest time accepting the fact that hospital admin preach and pound it into our heads about good customer service, decreasing fall risks, washing our hands and using hand sanitizer, covering our coughs and that HR tells us to stay home if we are ill. Then, when the nurses get ill, they threaten and stab you in the back and expect you to work on your death bed.

I told a couple of the nurses about the threats and they didn't even blink. They just looked away. Then, the freaking unit secretary asks me...."so it's just your voice? You just can't talk?" Yeah...that's right!! I'm coughing up a lung, I'm dizzy, I can't breathe or talk...but the only reason I attempted to call in was because I couldn't talk. Why is the unit secretary questioning me anyway.

No one even said "I'm sorry you don't feel good.", or "Thanks for coming in." No one said "I hope you feel better." They just looked at me and said "See you tomorrow."

My T says that Nursing is one of the most co-dependent careers and I agree.

How is it okay for them to treat anyone this way?

I'm not meaning to play the victim here. I know I need to get to work and I know they need me. But I need me too. I already don't take care of myself the way I should. It's so hard. All I want to do is cuddle under my blankets and drink tea and sleep. But I can't.

Sometimes, I really just feel like it's not worth fighting for the career anymore. I tell myself that there are other things I could do and do well at and I think this is true. But....Nursing brings in the income I need to be able to make all my bills. I am not yet trained in any other career that could compensate me as well as nursing does at this time. But why do I bother when it just seems like I'm throwing myself under the bus everytime.

Okay...I'll stop whining now. Despite the political BS, I love working as a Nurse. I love being able to work with my patients and I love the skills and critical thinking that I am able to utilize in my profession. I just hate the politics.

If any one actually read through this...Thank you for listening to me whine. And thank you for the well wishes and support. You all are the only ones that have been supportive.