I know most of us never look at our T's. I think we all come at that from different areas.

For the first time today I felt myself hurt...I see how normally I act out my hurt....today I sat feeling it and told T that I wanted to stop now and go home and be in a corner alone and deal with how I was feeling..

T said like the small baby in the cot that never told anyone she had woken up?

Then some silence...I was battling with myself over doing this different this time...talk about it...T asked me if it felt to risky to talk about it?

All this done with my eyes averted from T...I am very aware how I see T's feet and when I do I very strongly experience her as being my adoptive mother...accept today I managed to say how I dont trust she (T) won;t react just like my adoptive mother.

T said, "Yes and I think no matter how I react differently, this comes up time and time again"..when she said that I begun to "come back down" and think about how different she is and what she does do for me like offer to email me during breaks and other stuff...so I said, but it just feels so strong, you and her become 1...T said "yes and I think the silences make that worse and I think when your in that very young state you don't look at me either because it reminds you of when you were adopted and it was the wrong face so if you dont look you won't have to experience the "shock" of it being the wrong face and along with that if you don,t look at me you then experience me as your sadistic adoptive mother"...

I nodded slowly yes....I said I feel like this film I watched one where a guy wakes up to find his galfriend dead and your led to believe someone else from outside has done it accept it really was his alta ego...thats how I felt at that moment, I saw how i bring the memorys of my past into the room...so obvious I know...but I'm talking about getting this on an emotional level...i was feeling it and gradually my head begun to lift and look at T and she said its in the talking about it, puttiung words to it and picking at it is where the healing will come...

phew, i feel good about todays session...after nearly 6yrs of not looking at T she finally found the right time to bring it into the room...i've been dreading her mentioning it...but today was llike the perfect storm...everything came together to be talked about...words certainly are healing..