I get so sad when I think about the end of my marriage with Eric. 19 years together, 16 of them married, holy smokes! We have days where I feel a sexual & emotional attraction towards him, and it appears to be mutual. (We haven't ever done anything in those times though.)

At the same time, I'm in a romantic relationship with another Eric. Strong, very passionate times together. Makes me wonder if I'm transposing my feelings of ex-hub onto my current boyfriend.

When the reality of our divorce soon becoming finalized comes into my mind, I'm overcome with feelings of sadness and hopelessness. A loss of faith in marriage and any true love. There can be no such thing. Surrounding us in current times are more than 1/2 of marriages not making it. Many not making it very far at all. It is SO depressing! A feeling of sad bitterness gnaws at me inside.

Whenever I think of my ex-hub, I have to remind myself just how much we have changed throughout these years. Especially the last 5 years. I can't see us ever being able to work through strong conflicts. He's not one to work through his emotions. My borderline personality, epilepsy and brain injury are realities I cannot change. I am always working on being as strong and as good as I can be. But my realistic aims aren't good enough for my ex. I work hard to be the best mommy I can be, but that isn't good enough either. That's a fact that I will continue to struggle with and hopefully someday come to terms with.

Those realities are just too hard for ex and I to ever overcome. Why do I feel like this? Why can't I simply accept reality and finally move on with my life? Will I always feel hopeless at the thought of love? I don't want to feel this way....it hurts too much!

Shez