Oh that is hard! I think its great that you are willing to think about it. I've not been in a relationship that long, but I have had 2 long term relationships (before my current marriage) and I tend to cut off all emotion when I decide its over. As sad as it is, I think its healthy to feel the loss. I'm sorry that your ex wasn't more accepting of you as you are. Maybe still feeling tender towards him will help with your relationship after the marriage though. You will still have to raise kids together and being able to feel is going to help that, I am sure.