I haven't been here very long but I have read some of your posts so I hope you don't mind me replying. It is bound to feel very scary having talked to people in real life about something so hard - I hope they are supporting you, and please let them in to do so. In the long run I really hope this will help you but just now it is all overwhelming - do you have some soothing coping strategies that you can use now? A bath, listening to music, some time with your husband? Please look after yourself and let people here help you too - you seem to have a lot of friends here who care what happens to you